Alexandra PetriAlexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Alexandra-Petris-History-Important-Documents/dp/1324006439/">"AP's US History: Important American Documents (I Made Up).</a> https://www.washingtonpost.comThu, 13 Jul 2023 04:46:52 +00001hourly1Chat with Alexandra Petri and tell her your jokeshttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/07/18/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/07/18/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 18 Jul 2023 15:00:11 +0000Alexandra's live chat with readers starts at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Submit your questions now.Not another social media network!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/07/12/twitter-threads-social-media-nightmare-apocalypse-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/07/12/twitter-threads-social-media-nightmare-apocalypse-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 12 Jul 2023 14:55:07 +0000I am having the nightmare again. They are making us sign up for another social media network.What’s the next childhood nostalgia movie? Alexandra Petri answered your questions. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/07/11/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/07/11/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 11 Jul 2023 15:00:05 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers starts at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Submit your questions now.What your beach reading says about youhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/07/07/what-your-beach-reading-says-parody/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/07/07/what-your-beach-reading-says-parody/Alexandra PetriFri, 07 Jul 2023 10:30:00 +0000Your beach reading speaks volumes. Even when you don't bring a book.Supreme Court: Stop penalizing people who never had to overcome adversity! https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/30/supreme-court-affirmative-action-discrimination-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/30/supreme-court-affirmative-action-discrimination-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 30 Jun 2023 19:24:20 +0000Don’t I deserve redress, even though I don’t have a grievance?The Trump tape Cokes join history’s other dubious product placementshttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/28/trump-documents-tape-coke-product-placement-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/28/trump-documents-tape-coke-product-placement-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 28 Jun 2023 10:30:44 +0000Is the reference to soda in the Donald Trump documents tape Coke’s greatest triumph, or Pepsi’s? Is an AI life coach concerning? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/27/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/27/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 27 Jun 2023 15:00:30 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.I don’t know how to write about all that hasn’t happened since the fall of Roehttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/24/abortion-roe-dobbs-anniversary/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/24/abortion-roe-dobbs-anniversary/Alexandra PetriSat, 24 Jun 2023 15:19:26 +0000This is not how the world is supposed to be.Supreme Court, consider justice sponsorship!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/23/supreme-court-sponsors-justices-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/23/supreme-court-sponsors-justices-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 23 Jun 2023 12:00:31 +0000Look at those robes. All that wasted black space where the names of sponsors could be! Conspiracy theorists pleased RFK Jr. offers them an alternative to the GOPhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/22/conspiracy-vaccine-gop-rfk/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/22/conspiracy-vaccine-gop-rfk/Alexandra PetriThu, 22 Jun 2023 12:00:57 +0000Americans who live in a world of conspiracy theories but are sick of voting Republican are overjoyed by Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s campaign. Why are bananas put at the front of supermarkets? Alexandra Petri answered your questions. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/20/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/20/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 20 Jun 2023 15:00:22 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. I stand 100% with Donald Trump, but please vote for me instead of himhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/14/republican-presidential-candidates-response-trump-indictment-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/14/republican-presidential-candidates-response-trump-indictment-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 14 Jun 2023 16:39:29 +0000Donald Trump has never done anything wrong, ever. But please vote for me instead of him!Has anything happened recently? Alexandra Petri answered your questions. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/13/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/13/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 13 Jun 2023 15:00:47 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.If consequences exist, we don’t have a republichttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/13/trump-indictment-consequences-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/13/trump-indictment-consequences-satire/Alexandra PetriTue, 13 Jun 2023 12:00:28 +0000A federal grand jury indicts Donald Trump? The sky must be falling!Sorry, you can’t use the air todayhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/08/wildfire-air-quality-kids-breathe-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/08/wildfire-air-quality-kids-breathe-satire/Alexandra PetriThu, 08 Jun 2023 10:45:41 +0000What to tell your child about the choking haze that means she can't go to the playground.Mike Pence, eternal optimist, decided it was time to run — for president!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/07/mike-pence-presidential-campaign-optimist-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/07/mike-pence-presidential-campaign-optimist-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 07 Jun 2023 20:25:04 +0000Mike Pence has looked at Republicans' responses to him as he moves through the world, and his takeaway is that it is time for him to run.Hello, Infant! I’m Ron DeSantis. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/06/desantis-campaign-florida-accomplishments-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/06/desantis-campaign-florida-accomplishments-satire/Alexandra PetriTue, 06 Jun 2023 17:17:27 +0000I am doing the best on the campaign trail, between my natural demeanor and my résumé of definite accomplishments and not grim encroachments on human rights! Should we all become merpeople? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/06/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/06/06/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 06 Jun 2023 15:00:57 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.This company is definitely not a fair-weather ally who just wants your money! https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/31/target-pride-products-corporate-transparency-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/31/target-pride-products-corporate-transparency-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 31 May 2023 10:45:58 +0000Do not think for a second that we’re not standing with you, definitely with you, not just near enough that somebody could mistakenly conclude we were together! What’s the deal with fake bacon? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/30/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/30/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 30 May 2023 15:00:36 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.That was the funniest and best thing DeSantis and Musk have ever donehttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/25/ron-desantis-elon-musk-twitter-failure-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/25/ron-desantis-elon-musk-twitter-failure-satire/Alexandra PetriThu, 25 May 2023 18:28:38 +0000Imagine that you are transported to the most awkward telemeeting of your life. And now imagine you are Ron DeSantis. We can avoid default with these last-minute belt-tightening measures!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/24/debt-limit-default-cost-cutting-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/24/debt-limit-default-cost-cutting-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 24 May 2023 12:27:08 +0000Sell more of Kevin McCarthy’s lip balm! Try secondhand fighter jets? The presidential motorcade can double as an UberPool for people going the same direction.Where should you store your money? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/23/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/23/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 23 May 2023 15:00:19 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. The U.S. Senate, it’s senior living made permanent. Join today! https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/19/us-senate-seniors-retirement-destination-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/19/us-senate-seniors-retirement-destination-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 19 May 2023 11:15:23 +0000The world’s greatest deliberative body might seem a counterintuitive place to retire, but consider all the things that make it an appealing place to grow old.George Santos resign? That’s the last thing he should do!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/16/george-santos-indicted-resign-republican-defense-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/16/george-santos-indicted-resign-republican-defense-satire/Alexandra PetriTue, 16 May 2023 21:11:45 +0000That George Santos has been indicted means nothing.How do you open a banana? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/16/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/16/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 16 May 2023 15:00:15 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. How to correctly host a town hall with Trumphttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/11/trump-cnn-town-hall-how-to-host/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/11/trump-cnn-town-hall-how-to-host/Alexandra PetriThu, 11 May 2023 20:06:03 +0000Step one: Make sure no one can hear him.How early do you get to the airport? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/09/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/09/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 09 May 2023 15:00:41 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.I think I’ve figured out the coronation ceremonyhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/05/coronation-ceremony-alexandra-petri-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/05/coronation-ceremony-alexandra-petri-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 05 May 2023 20:35:04 +0000The coronation ceremony is confusing, but here's what I've pieced together.Why your school board will object to your high school musicalhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/04/alexandra-petri-school-board-object-high-school-musical/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/04/alexandra-petri-school-board-object-high-school-musical/Alexandra PetriThu, 04 May 2023 17:26:37 +0000Just when you thought you had your finger on all the things subjected to unwelcome censorship, another pops up. This time, it’s high school theater.Who are you wearing? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/02/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/02/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 02 May 2023 15:00:53 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. At the Supreme Court, our code of conduct is … don’t worry about ithttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/28/supreme-court-ethics-code-unnecessary-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/28/supreme-court-ethics-code-unnecessary-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 28 Apr 2023 13:45:04 +0000Of course we don’t think of ourselves as above the law! It’s just, if we decide something isn’t the law, it stops being law, so, yeah, we are kind of above it.There is no Tucker Carlson on tonighthttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/26/tucker-carlson-leaves-fox-news-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/26/tucker-carlson-leaves-fox-news-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 26 Apr 2023 11:15:20 +0000The Devil’s advocate is off the air; his client must seek new representation.What kind of -lorian are you? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/18/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/18/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 25 Apr 2023 15:00:58 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.We will hold the country hostage until our demands are met — once we know themhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/21/republican-debt-ceiling-standoff-holdup-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/21/republican-debt-ceiling-standoff-holdup-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 21 Apr 2023 10:00:49 +0000Nothing says “We are serious about our demands” like “Kevin is rushing to determine what our demands are, and he is almost done!”After the Dominion suit, things here at Fox will be different!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/20/fox-news-dominion-settlement-memo-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/20/fox-news-dominion-settlement-memo-satire/Alexandra PetriThu, 20 Apr 2023 12:39:05 +0000Memo to employees: We will be instituting a few reforms at this news-ish network.Great ruling, 5th Circuit! I was feeling worryingly like a person.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/14/fifth-circuit-abortion-ruling-rights-canceled/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/14/fifth-circuit-abortion-ruling-rights-canceled/Alexandra PetriFri, 14 Apr 2023 19:45:12 +0000Clearly I have been addled by having too many rights, too much autonomy. All the voting had gone to my head. What Easter candy is your favorite? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/11/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/11/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 11 Apr 2023 15:00:00 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.Every second on the yacht I wished I were in a Walmart parking lothttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/06/clarence-thomas-luxury-vacation-walmart-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/06/clarence-thomas-luxury-vacation-walmart-satire/Alexandra PetriThu, 06 Apr 2023 20:26:51 +0000If someone with the power Clarence Thomas wields were not meant to accept such burdens, surely the Supreme Court would have adopted a formal ethics code. What prize do I get for acing the quiz? Alexandra Petri answered your questions. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/04/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/04/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 04 Apr 2023 15:00:25 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.Alexandra Petri presents: Real or fake? A history quiz!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/interactive/2023/alexandra-petri-us-history-documents-quiz/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/interactive/2023/alexandra-petri-us-history-documents-quiz/Alexandra PetriTue, 04 Apr 2023 13:00:22 +0000Or, what happens when I spend my spare time making up Important American Documents.Counterpoint: Maybe the president should get to do crimeshttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/02/trump-indicted-president-crimes-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/02/trump-indicted-president-crimes-satire/Alexandra PetriSun, 02 Apr 2023 11:30:14 +0000If my vote does not impart the elected officials of my choosing with unprecedented, extraordinary powers — then what was I even voting for?We will stop at nothing to protect the childrenhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/28/school-shooting-nashville-banned-books-art/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/28/school-shooting-nashville-banned-books-art/Alexandra PetriTue, 28 Mar 2023 20:56:53 +0000Imagine if students read a banned book, or viewed provocative art, or learned some upsetting history — and then went safely home again? So awful.What’s the best state flag? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/28/alexandra-petri-live-chat/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/28/alexandra-petri-live-chat/Alexandra PetriTue, 28 Mar 2023 15:00:40 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.Fox Lifestyle Network!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/27/fox-news-rebrand-lifestyle-network-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/27/fox-news-rebrand-lifestyle-network-satire/Alexandra PetriMon, 27 Mar 2023 10:45:00 +0000What if lawsuits from voting system manufacturers prompt Fox News to rebrand? Here's a preview of Fox Lifestyle programming!Parents, be warned! There will be art in this art class!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/24/tallahassee-principal-fired-david-art-controversy/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/24/tallahassee-principal-fired-david-art-controversy/Alexandra PetriFri, 24 Mar 2023 22:17:06 +0000After a Tallahassee principal was fired over students seeing images of Michelangelo's David, I wondered what the school's warning letter would have said.But could this be good news for Trump?https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/22/trump-indictment-supporters-protest-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/22/trump-indictment-supporters-protest-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 22 Mar 2023 12:14:44 +0000The former president is immune to laws that govern mere mortals. Or is he?A banana iPhone? Alexandra Petri answered your questions,https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/21/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/21/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 21 Mar 2023 15:00:32 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. Excerpts from a civics textbook I assume would be welcome in Floridahttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/20/florida-school-textbook-curriculum-review-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/20/florida-school-textbook-curriculum-review-satire/Alexandra PetriMon, 20 Mar 2023 10:45:00 +0000American history is full of heroes. Here are just a few of their stories!Millions of Americans hoping next child will be born a bankhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/15/silicon-valley-bank-signature-rescue-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/15/silicon-valley-bank-signature-rescue-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 15 Mar 2023 11:15:48 +0000If babies go through life as a financial institution, the government will swoop in to help if things start to go south!Could ChatGPT win the NCAA bracket? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/14/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/14/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 14 Mar 2023 15:00:09 +0000Read a transcript of Alexandra's Q&A with readers.We must protect the children by ... rolling back child labor lawshttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/10/child-labor-laws-alexandra-petri-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/10/child-labor-laws-alexandra-petri-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 10 Mar 2023 11:45:13 +0000For too long, children have been coddled, giving nothing to society other than colds and items that are sticky for unclear reasons.Tucker Carlson has proof the dinosaurs were not killed by a meteoritehttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/08/tucker-carlson-meteorite-not-kill-dinosaurs/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/08/tucker-carlson-meteorite-not-kill-dinosaurs/Alexandra PetriWed, 08 Mar 2023 20:29:15 +0000Finally, someone with the courage to say it. How should one travel in vampire country? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/07/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/07/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 07 Mar 2023 16:00:11 +0000Read the transcript.‘Cocaine Bear’ and ‘The Courage to Be Free’ by Ron DeSantis: A review https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/02/cocaine-bear-desantis-book-review-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/03/02/cocaine-bear-desantis-book-review-satire/Alexandra PetriThu, 02 Mar 2023 11:15:05 +0000Here are side-by-side assessments of both works. (Hint: This book is no "Cocaine Bear.") Is it FOMO or JOMO? Alexandra Petri answered your questions. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/28/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/28/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 28 Feb 2023 16:00:34 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. Other books receive the Roald Dahl edithttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/25/roald-dahl-books-edited-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/25/roald-dahl-books-edited-satire/Alexandra PetriSat, 25 Feb 2023 13:00:56 +0000"It was all right when Dorothy’s house fell on and crushed that witch, but, in general, it is bad."Gun action at last! A bill to make the AR-15 our national firearm.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/24/ar-15-national-gun-bill-george-santos/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/24/ar-15-national-gun-bill-george-santos/Alexandra PetriFri, 24 Feb 2023 11:15:13 +0000This isn't a gun violence epidemic — it's a national pastime!What happens when a dog walks into a bar? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/21/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/21/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 21 Feb 2023 16:00:26 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. Why are you so mad about the free chemicals? https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/17/ohio-train-derailment-fire-chemicals-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/17/ohio-train-derailment-fire-chemicals-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 17 Feb 2023 12:30:15 +0000Good people of East Palestine, Ohio, do you know how much those chemicals were worth?What is the heaviest thing a person can carry? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/14/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/14/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 14 Feb 2023 16:00:01 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.Handy guide on whether to shoot that thing in the skyhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/14/ufo-shot-down-spy-balloon-guide-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/14/ufo-shot-down-spy-balloon-guide-satire/Alexandra PetriTue, 14 Feb 2023 13:29:06 +0000Small red dot that grows closer and closer: This is Santa. Do not shoot.Don’t listen to the FDA. Listen to a Trump-appointed judge named Matt.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/10/mifepristone-abortion-pill-ruling-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/10/mifepristone-abortion-pill-ruling-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 10 Feb 2023 20:48:50 +0000Can a judge just do that? Just un-approve an abortion medication?The bits of Biden’s State of the Union that were cut for timehttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/08/biden-state-union-sotu-resort-fees-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/08/biden-state-union-sotu-resort-fees-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 08 Feb 2023 22:06:48 +0000"Also, you know what I can’t stand? Those boarding tiers they have on flights now."How will the Nats do this year? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/07/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/07/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 07 Feb 2023 16:00:44 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. These birds are not extinct. Welcome to … Dodo Park!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/03/dodo-extinct-jurassic-park-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/03/dodo-extinct-jurassic-park-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 03 Feb 2023 22:05:34 +0000They’re dodos. How dangerous could they possibly be?Florida demands revisions of woke AP calculus, chemistry curriculumshttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/02/florida-ap-class-changes-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/02/02/florida-ap-class-changes-satire/Alexandra PetriThu, 02 Feb 2023 20:56:18 +0000AP Calculus: Omit positive references to integration and change.What words should be banished? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/31/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/31/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 31 Jan 2023 16:00:40 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers starts at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Submit your questions now.Classified documents are everywhere! They are coming for us all!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/26/classified-documents-everywhere-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/26/classified-documents-everywhere-satire/Alexandra PetriThu, 26 Jan 2023 12:30:00 +0000No! You have nothing to be afraid of!What is going on with M&Ms? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/24/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/24/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 24 Jan 2023 16:00:56 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. The final hours of the M&M’s spokescandieshttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/24/mms-mascots-tucker-carlson-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/24/mms-mascots-tucker-carlson-satire/Alexandra PetriTue, 24 Jan 2023 13:00:20 +0000Green could not deny that it had been Corporate’s idea. She had awakened in January of 2022 to find herself altered.Other fonts I hope the State Department consideredhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/21/state-department-font-change-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/21/state-department-font-change-satire/Alexandra PetriSat, 21 Jan 2023 13:00:19 +0000Wingdings is great if you want to take a lot of very controversial foreign policy steps without anyone noticing what you are doing.If ‘Law & Order’ investigations went like the Supreme Court leakhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/20/supreme-court-leak-investigation-result-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/20/supreme-court-leak-investigation-result-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 20 Jan 2023 20:39:08 +0000The Supreme Court's investigation found that the leak culprit was … unknowable?Jigsaw or puzzle? Alexandra Petri answered your questions. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/17/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/17/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 17 Jan 2023 16:00:16 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.Save us from women’s shoulders, Missouri state legislature!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/13/missouri-legislature-dress-code-cardigan-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/13/missouri-legislature-dress-code-cardigan-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 13 Jan 2023 18:59:26 +0000A dress code for female legislators is what voters cry out for most!I’m not gaslighting you. I really am a safe stove.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/13/gas-stove-banned-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/13/gas-stove-banned-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 13 Jan 2023 15:58:31 +0000There hasn’t been anything to do with gas stoves and safety in the news. I would remember.I’m the Prince from ‘Two Princes,’ and I have also written a tell-allhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/10/prince-harry-spare-memoir-spin-doctors-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/10/prince-harry-spare-memoir-spin-doctors-satire/Alexandra PetriTue, 10 Jan 2023 22:49:48 +0000Prince Harry can understand what the Spin Doctors were singing about.Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/10/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/10/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 10 Jan 2023 16:00:00 +0000Alexandra's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. It is the 839th ballot to elect a speaker of the Househttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/06/how-many-votes-mccarthy-lost-speaker-house-839-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/06/how-many-votes-mccarthy-lost-speaker-house-839-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 06 Jan 2023 20:57:41 +0000Kevin McCarthy is sure this vote, or the next, will make him speaker.The House speaker election is so embarrassing (for you)https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/04/kevin-mccarthy-house-speaker-election-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/01/04/kevin-mccarthy-house-speaker-election-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 04 Jan 2023 21:46:49 +0000What’s embarrassing about the House speaker election is that you were expecting anything else.I am George Santos, and I would never lie to youhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/28/george-santos-resume-defense-parody/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/28/george-santos-resume-defense-parody/Alexandra PetriWed, 28 Dec 2022 18:47:56 +0000But I must come clean about a few minor, tiny distortions I made on my résumé, although it was actually not on a résumé at all. Yes, that is my baby crying on the plane, and I am so sorryhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/22/baby-crying-plane-travel-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/22/baby-crying-plane-travel-satire/Alexandra PetriThu, 22 Dec 2022 17:04:55 +0000You are not wrong that this is a bad way to travel!Ni una columna más sobre Elon Muskhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/es/post-opinion/2022/12/19/elon-musk-twitter-renuncia-encuesta/https://www.washingtonpost.com/es/post-opinion/2022/12/19/elon-musk-twitter-renuncia-encuesta/Alexandra PetriMon, 19 Dec 2022 21:06:23 +0000Hay muchísima gente interesante y, en su lugar, tenemos que seguir lo que hace Elon Musk con Twitter y Donald Trump con Estados Unidos, porque sus caprichos pueden costarle a la gente sus trabajos y arruinar sus vidas. Not another column about Elon Muskhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/17/elon-musk-twitter-overkill/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/17/elon-musk-twitter-overkill/Alexandra PetriSat, 17 Dec 2022 13:35:00 +0000But here we are.Help us, auto-correct. You are the last best hop for democracy.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/15/autocorrect-is-best-hop-for-democracy-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/15/autocorrect-is-best-hop-for-democracy-satire/Alexandra PetriThu, 15 Dec 2022 21:36:41 +0000Standing up against Marshall Law. What’s the worst Christmas song? Alexandra Petri answered your questions. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/13/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/13/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 13 Dec 2022 16:00:56 +0000Petri's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. Bad news! Nothing about Kyrsten Sinema will change.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/09/sinema-independent-switch-parties-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/09/sinema-independent-switch-parties-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 09 Dec 2022 21:17:57 +0000Independent Sinema will behave exactly the same way with exactly the same values.Welcome to the Supreme Court’s hypothetical Christmas mall village!https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/07/supreme-court-303-creative-hypothetical-mall-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/07/supreme-court-303-creative-hypothetical-mall-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 07 Dec 2022 20:48:08 +0000Featuring Grandma Helen’s Protestant Provisions, and I’m Just A Chair Guy And I Know My Chairs Aren’t Speech!Should we be afraid of robots? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/06/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/06/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 06 Dec 2022 16:00:03 +0000Petri's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. Your gift guide to the General Services Administration auction websitehttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/06/christmas-gift-guide-gsa-auction-2022-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/06/christmas-gift-guide-gsa-auction-2022-satire/Alexandra PetriTue, 06 Dec 2022 12:00:13 +0000Let surplus government purchases solve all your Christmas shopping needs!I’ll say it: I do not think killer robots are a good ideahttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/03/san-francisco-police-robot-killer-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/03/san-francisco-police-robot-killer-satire/Alexandra PetriSat, 03 Dec 2022 12:00:46 +0000I understand that this remark is controversial. But what are columnists for, if not to take these bold stances? GOP coalesces behind nameless, faceless Thing that is not McCarthy https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/02/kevin-mccarthy-speaker-house-alternative-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/02/kevin-mccarthy-speaker-house-alternative-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 02 Dec 2022 21:47:50 +0000All the previous speakers had had mouths. Mouths and names!To be very clear, free speech is when you give me moneyhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/30/elon-musk-twitter-free-speech-money/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/30/elon-musk-twitter-free-speech-money/Alexandra PetriWed, 30 Nov 2022 12:00:32 +0000When you do not give me money, that is censorship.What are your favorite holiday gifts? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/29/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/29/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 29 Nov 2022 16:00:00 +0000Petri's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. Come to think of it, maybe I don’t understand cryptocurrencyhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/25/ftx-cryptocurrency-explainer-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/25/ftx-cryptocurrency-explainer-satire/Alexandra PetriFri, 25 Nov 2022 12:00:42 +0000You mean the stuff going on at FTX wasn't normal?Why did the turkey cross the road? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/22/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/22/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 22 Nov 2022 16:00:03 +0000Petri's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript. The 9 best Thanksgiving songs I definitely didn’t just make uphttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/21/thanksgiving-songs/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/21/thanksgiving-songs/Alexandra PetriMon, 21 Nov 2022 16:06:03 +0000The best Thanksgiving songs with which everyone is familiar and which we didn’t entirely write and record this week!Announcements from Donald Trump that would actually be a surprisehttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/16/donald-trump-announcement-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/16/donald-trump-announcement-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 16 Nov 2022 20:35:32 +0000“I read a book,” he announces. “For pleasure.”‘My Last Days With Killer Robot3000,’ by Mike Pencehttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/16/mike-pence-book-trump-regret-satire/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/16/mike-pence-book-trump-regret-satire/Alexandra PetriWed, 16 Nov 2022 12:00:36 +0000"No one could see his regret. But I saw it."Are you reading more TV? Alexandra Petri answered your questions.https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/15/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/11/15/alexandra-petri-chat-opinions/Alexandra PetriTue, 15 Nov 2022 16:00:00 +0000Petri's Q&A with readers was at 11 a.m. ET on Tuesday. Read the transcript.