LOCATION, USA — Americans who believe erroneous things about science, distrust and fear the government, and live in a world of conspiracy where every development has a sinister double meaning — but who are sick of having to vote Republican — have been overjoyed by the advent of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s presidential campaign.
“For too long, if I wanted a candidate who hated vaccines or believed something truly wacky about space lasers, or Bigfoot, or chemicals in the water, I was stuck voting Republican,” noted Kathy Glarb. “At last, a Democrat!”
“It is my hope that this marks the end of the days when one party held a clear monopoly on fringe conspiracy theories and anti-vaccine sentiment!” Greg Slump observed. “Finally, finally, someone has a D after his name who is shouting nonsense linking the number of trans youths to ‘swimming through a soup of toxic chemicals’! I could weep with joy, except that all my bodily secretions are being stolen by the government to keep Bill Gates’s skin moist so he can fill us all with microchips.”
“It’s just nice to have a candidate who shares my belief that 5G is rewriting our DNA who isn’t also completely opposed to gun control of any kind!” said Ann Arrrrbor. “Someone who believes, as I always have, that Americans should die of preventable disease, not from gun violence.”