The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness

Opinion Supreme Court: Stop penalizing people who never had to overcome adversity!

The Supreme Court building in Washington in October. (Eric Lee for The Washington Post)
4 min

Well, now that I, Chief Justice John Roberts, have succeeded in ending affirmative action, it is time to march forward toward a pure meritocracy in which we never deny anyone an additional advantage simply because they already have received a lot of advantages.

Now, we must head into battle against the other insidious forms of discrimination that plague our society — singing “Happy Birthday” to some people and not others, or offering presents only to the birthday boy and not also to all other children, nationwide. Why is Timmy getting a present today and I am not? I demand to receive all the nice things that anyone else is receiving, or it will make Thomas Jefferson cry.

Supreme Court rejects race-based affirmative action in college admissions

Why do firefighters rush to some buildings and not to others? I would love to be visited by firefighters at my office, with their charming hats and suits, and their friendly spotted dogs! They claim that other buildings are “on fire” and it is an “emergency” — well, where is my equal consideration? Simply because my office building has no fire in it, am I never going to get to see that beautiful red truck? I thought this was America!

I am so sad whenever I visit the hospital and see some people being offered new hips. Where is my offer of a new hip? And that’s not the half of it. Everywhere, I see inequality — antibiotics for some people, nothing for others! I demanded to know where my radiation was, and the doctor looked frightened. He said that some people are battling tumors and they should have access to radiation before I do, but — I waved my decision at him. Just because you are actively battling a foe I’ve never had to face does not mean you get weapons and I don’t! This is America, and this is what equality means! Read it and weep!

Eugene Robinson: Why do colleges need affirmative action? America's past and present.

Megan McArdle

counterpointIn the court’s ruling on gay wedding websites, free speech won

You know what really grinds my gears? When I hear shouts of “Here! Catch this rope and I will pull you out of the quicksand!” that are not directed at me. Why are some people being thrown free, helpful ropes, whereas I get nothing, simply because I am not quicksand-adjacent?